Let Them Get Paid
13 years ago
Question: I know its only January but is it Mel Kiper Jr. time yet?
Answer: Oh fuck yeah. I hate Mel Kiper almost as much as I hate Barry Melrose but I love the draft. Hey I got an idea lets make a bunch of bullshit picks, go on tv for two months, watch all my bullshit picks go wrong, take the rest of the year off, then do it all again.
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ReplyDeleteOn this point (I hate to say it)I AGREE with JBB. What we will disagree on is how much I hate Mel. I wanted to punch a baby when I saw that greasy, pork chop haired, mother fucker in January. He is a parasite. He critiques others all year with no accountability. Mel Kiper started his "Kiper Enterprises" at his community college, where he was a Fantasy Football nerd that never played a sport, before they existed. If I had a time machine I would go back in time and kill his grandparents so I would not have to be subjected to the army of draft nerds that he has created in his likeness. He is a sport's journalists wet dream, becuase like him, when they miss on predictions there is no accountabilty. He is the equivilant to a political pundit. And though he gets lucky sometimes, and hits on the obvious, here are some of his finest moments.
ReplyDeleteI AM ABOUT TO HIT YOU WITH A WALL OF TEXT BUT I MUST OUT OF HATRED!!!
Among his many failures, Kiper thought that Heisman Trophy winner and University of Houston quarterback Andre Ware would be an excellent NFL quarterback and a great match for the Detroit Lions
In 1997, Kiper stated that Coastal Carolina offensive lineman Adam Steuer was a future hall of famer. Adam Steuer fell to pick 169 to the Buffalo Bills, and would go on to lead a dismal 2-year career.
In 1999, Kiper said that Oregon quarterback Akili Smith would be a great NFL player and would finally provide the Cincinnati Bengals with the passer they'd lacked since Boomer Esiason. SMITH WAS SELECTED AHEAD OF DAUNTE CULPEPPER, TORRY HOLT, EDGE, CHAMP BAILEY AND JEVON KEARSE. It's notable that Kiper rated Smith higher than Donovan McNabb and Culpepper, despite the facts that Smith only had 11 starts at the college level.
He stated that USC wide receiver Mike Williams would be the best player in his 2005 draft class, despite not having played football in over a year after being ruled ineligible by the NCAA. When ESPN analyst Merril Hoge disagreed, Kiper uttered the now infamous line, "ILL SEE YOU AT HIS HALL OF FAME INDUCTION." Fans are still waiting.
In the 1995 Draft, Kiper proclaimed UCLA wide receiver JJ Stokes a "sure-thing" who was destined to be a future All-Pro. On draft day, Kiper lambasted several teams, including the New York Jets, for passing on Stokes until he was selected 10th overall by the San Francisco 49ers. 8 years in the NFL never more than 770 yards, good job Haircut.
In the same 1995 Draft, Kiper had rated BYU Quarterback John Walsh as a first round pick. He had an abysmal NFL combine where he ran a 5.3 forty yard dash and displayed a weak arm in workouts. Even after this, Kiper still rated Walsh as a late 1st/early 2nd round pick on the day of the draft and said he would be a perfect fit for a "West Coast Offense" team like the San Francisco 49ers because of his accuracy on short passes. He went to the Bengals in the 7th? round, and he never appeared in a single game, and was out of football less than a year later. Let me repeat this, HE WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO START FOR THE BENGALS, PRE CARSON PALMER. Is Mel Kiper SENIOR as smart as you?
OR THIS GEM:
In 1998 Kiper said that Washington State Quarterback Ryan Leaf's "attitude" (which had rubbed teammates and coaches the wrong way in college) would be an ASSET in the NFL and give him a mental advantage over Peyton Manning. Kiper also said that Leaf had the better natural physical tools and would be a great quarterback, though he still rated Manning as the more polished and better overall prospect so I will give him that.
HERE IS HOW YOU REALLY KNOW THAT MEL IS A GENIUS, WHEN HE STARTED MAKING SEASON PREDICTIONS BASED ON THE "STOCK" (HIS OWN RATING SYSTEM) OF ALL THE PLAYERS ON A TEAM:
In 2001, Kiper predicted a dismal 0-16 season for the New England Patriots. The team finished slightly better than that prediction, managing to win just one Super Bowl the entire season. Needless to say after that Mel sticks to what he knows, impressing the college football stat dorks.
Kiper And in case you do not know, he is a Baltimore Ravens fan, which means on some level he like Brian Billick, who may possibly be a bigger dick than he could possibly ever be.
If I could, I would shove the "Big Board" up his ass and kill all of the Jets fans on draft day.
HIV, next time trying limiting your post to 7,842,398,472,938,472,983,479,823,423,409,234 words.
ReplyDeleteGood lord man!!!
Sorry about that. I just have a deep hatred of all things Mel Kiper.
ReplyDeleteShit, I mean I'm not a fan of Mel Kiper Jr. but if I were Mel Kiper and I read that post, I would be going to the courthouse to file a restraining order.
ReplyDeleteToo much? You think it was too hard on ole Haircut?
ReplyDelete